January 2010

This past summer was crazy. We took over our renovation project on our new house thanks to incompetent construction management, we moved in while it was under construction, we had our fifth child two weeks after move in day, we wrangled our 2 year old son repeatedly with the hopes of literally keeping danger at bay, we entertained the 4 kids during the summer break because after all it was summer and they had no school, we started two new businesses and merged our patent and trademark law firm with another, we threw a catered affair for Tahlia's baby naming ceremony, we celebrated three birthdays complete with parties, we became involved in a couple of lawsuits thanks to our less than wonderful experiences with our construction manager...Oh and I am sure I forgot to mention somewhere in there that the baby was born with acid reflux and colic so needless to say I walked around with her attached to me as though she were an extra appendage because there is nothing more nerve racking than a baby's relentless crying.

Fast forward to today, January 2010 and the start of a new year, a new life, a new house, and new opportunities. Much has happened in the last couple of months very much worthy of it's own blog. I will do my best to dig up any such materials and post it for the sole purpose of it's entertainment value, because after all my life is nothing if not busy and full of hilarious drama thanks to people. As I write this I hear within myself Barbra's voice singing to me "People, people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world". I really couldn't agree with her more.

If it weren't for the people from my past I would not have all the ridiculously insane stories which make up my life. Maybe I wouldn't even have the same appreciation for humour because after all a "norma life" or a "typical life" isn't really that funny. In fact I find them intensely boring. Dysfunction breads humour my friends and guess what? God was looking favourably upon me because with the family I was born into, I hit the jackpot baby! You heard me. Without my parents and the rest of my family who would I be today? I am one lucky lady I tell you. My family is like my "raison for therapy", or like the powerful gravitational forces that threaten to kill you if you dare try to escape it, or more accurately like the erratic weather patterns in Oklahoma that are both unpredictably scary and dangerous followed by peaceful sunsets and that all too familiar false sense of security. Speaking of which why the fuck do people still live in areas effected by killer tornados? Like how many fucking times do you need to live out a scene from the Wizard of Oz before you are like "I am done, I am out of here"? And since most of y'all live in trailers anyway how hard could it be? Like wheel your damn house to safety man.

So I would like to start by wishing everyone a happy and healthy New Year. May you be blessed with many more years of very entertaining dysfunctional family! You lucky person you.

Pregnancy

Isn't pregnancy supposed to be some blissful time of magical mystical wonder? Am I like the only woman who does not perceive this to be the case? Like don't get me wrong I have tried hard to feel this way but the truth of the matter is pregnancy sucks. There is nothing about it I enjoy, other than of course the baby at the end of the longest darkest tunnel possible. I guess what's truly beautiful is the notion that women are still willing in this day and age to subject their bodies, their freedom and their life to this prehistoric process of multiplication. I get that this is how things were done back in the day. But this is the 21st century man and the best we have come up with are epidurals! Are you kidding me? Where is my artificial womb? 

What a deal

This is a link to a funny youtube video a friend of mine sent me. It's funny because we actually know and deal with a lot of people exactly like this. In fact you may know of some yourself! The clip is 2.19 min  -Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2a8TRSgzZY&feature=player_embedded

Priceless

So last weekend I went out for lunch with my lover (a.k.a Gordon) and we snuck out without the kids. Once I got to the restaurant and realized that we were going to to be seated beside a table with young children without hesitating I said "oh no, this won't do I hate kids". Now anyone who knows me knows that is far from the truth but I figure if you are going to go without your own children why hang out with someone else's? The best part though was the look of confusion on the waiters face as he found us a new table all the while processing the fact that I am quite pregnant, priceless I tell you.

A Life Enema, Try It You'll Like It!

A Life Enema is the procedure used to cleanse oneself of users, abusers and just plain losers. 

In the last couple of years I have been following this procedure religiously and I am now a believer. It isn't the easiest thing to get started on, because your emotional constipation and the cancers in your life will do whatever they can to discourage you. Separately but in addition to this fact, you will even experience fear in administering the Life Enema as it will feel unnatural at first but rest assured that this is normal and soon will pass. Along with the passing of this fear, you will begin to reject people and their bullshit-the kinds of people and bullshit you have sadly grown accustomed to that have only ever manage to detract from the quality of your life by rotting away your spirit from your insides out leaving you feeling weighed down and hopelessly gloomy. If you find yourself needing to take regular naps to cope with your days, or down a glass of wine after work to be able to continue to put up with others around you, or instead pop a couple pills just to have the emotional stamina to get by, stop and do yourself a favour. Begin your Life Enema today.  I am not just the spokes person for Life Enema, I am a 100% satisfied user. 

Some quick and easy steps to follow to get you started on the path to freedom:

1- Unlike a regular enema it is not necessary to assume the left side position. In fact, the position you should assume is the one you are clearly most comfortable with, which to date has resulted in you taking it up the ass. The goal in this step is to begin to identify when you are in this position and exactly when and how people and their bullshit are able to be shoved up your ass. 

2- Once you are able to identify when your so called "friends," "family members" or "acquaintances" are about to engage in a behaviour where they benefit and consequently you don't, it's time to begin the process of elimination as I like to call it. This is where things can begin to get a little messy.

3- Eliminating toxins from our lives requires that we recognize them first and flush them next. Stay hydrated or in other words surround yourself with loving and supportive people. Hydration can make or break this process of elimination and so stay focused on this through out. 

4- Once you are feeling "hydrated," discontinue nurturing your toxic parasites. Deprive your users, abusers and losers of the pay offs they desire and have required of you. Stop paying for them, stop tolerating their inappropriate behaviours, stop lowering the bar to meet their substandard treatment of you. You don't owe these people anything. You aren't responsible for their behaviours and quit fooling yourself because you can't change them. The only thing you can change is your reaction to them, which is exactly what a Life Enema is all about. A change for the better. 

5- If deprivation of pay off isn't enough to cause these people to find a new more accommodating host, it is necessary for phase two of the cleanse. Expect that the more you have been taking it up the ass for a person the more they have a vested interest in hanging on for dear life. These people will require a more drastic round of elimination.

6- For those especially committed parasites, it is necessary to establish a firm boundary and NOT reply under any circumstances to their pathetic attempts and pleas to stay implanted inside of you sucking the very life force from your being. 

7- As difficult and messy as a Life Enema may seem, know that it gets worse before it gets better. It is only a matter of time before the cleanse you are embarking on will begin to have profound positive effects on your life. 

8- Know that after each flush of a user, abuser or looser it is perfectly normal to feel a void, nauseous or a serious desire to re-engage and reassume that which you have grown accustomed to and or familiar with. These feelings are temporary and will pass, only to be followed by a true sense of relief and freedom. So remain strong and avoid the temptation to capitulate. 

9- It is important to rest and keep hydrated (surround one self with positive relationships) for as long as possible in order to assure the best results from your Life Enema. 

10- After a successful completion and cleanse with a Life Enema, each one that follows will be much easier. Rest and repeat as often as necessary. Stop use and seek therapeutic help if you begin to dehydrate or crack in the process of a Life Enema. Life Enemas are guaranteed to prolong the length and quality of your life and provide you with that true sense of freedom you deserve. 

One of many new words to add to your pocket dictionary

This segment is where I define words and expressions that I have coined to better facilitate my ability to express myself which have no real linguistic meaning other than the one I have given to them. 

Word: Bumfest

Synonym: too bad, depressing, very unfortunate, disappointing

Application: When one encounters a situation which merits the expression of total dissatisfaction like when you are driving down the highway and forget to check the gas meter only to discover that your problems with your car are all thanks to an empty gas tank. This would be a definite bumfest. 

Smartie Pants

The other day I was trying to convince my son to accompany me to the airport to pick up my husband. He seemed to be ignoring my pleas as he attentively watched Dora. Then all of a sudden he turned to me and said "mommy I said no and it's my decision." Well what can you say to that other than checkmate? It's not like I was telling him he had to come, I was asking him and he did say no once already. From his perspective he just wasn't sure what I wasn't clear on the first time. There is nothing like having your children drive home a reality you seem to be denying.