Thursday, June 11, 2009

Pregnancy

Isn't pregnancy supposed to be some blissful time of magical mystical wonder? Am I like the only woman who does not perceive this to be the case? Like don't get me wrong I have tried hard to feel this way but the truth of the matter is pregnancy sucks. There is nothing about it I enjoy, other than of course the baby at the end of the longest darkest tunnel possible. I guess what's truly beautiful is the notion that women are still willing in this day and age to subject their bodies, their freedom and their life to this prehistoric process of multiplication. I get that this is how things were done back in the day. But this is the 21st century man and the best we have come up with are epidurals! Are you kidding me? Where is my artificial womb? 

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

What a deal

This is a link to a funny youtube video a friend of mine sent me. It's funny because we actually know and deal with a lot of people exactly like this. In fact you may know of some yourself! The clip is 2.19 min  -Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2a8TRSgzZY&feature=player_embedded

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Priceless

So last weekend I went out for lunch with my lover (a.k.a Gordon) and we snuck out without the kids. Once I got to the restaurant and realized that we were going to to be seated beside a table with young children without hesitating I said "oh no, this won't do I hate kids". Now anyone who knows me knows that is far from the truth but I figure if you are going to go without your own children why hang out with someone else's? The best part though was the look of confusion on the waiters face as he found us a new table all the while processing the fact that I am quite pregnant, priceless I tell you.

Friday, May 29, 2009

A Life Enema, Try It You'll Like It!

A Life Enema is the procedure used to cleanse oneself of users, abusers and just plain losers. 

In the last couple of years I have been following this procedure religiously and I am now a believer. It isn't the easiest thing to get started on, because your emotional constipation and the cancers in your life will do whatever they can to discourage you. Separately but in addition to this fact, you will even experience fear in administering the Life Enema as it will feel unnatural at first but rest assured that this is normal and soon will pass. Along with the passing of this fear, you will begin to reject people and their bullshit-the kinds of people and bullshit you have sadly grown accustomed to that have only ever manage to detract from the quality of your life by rotting away your spirit from your insides out leaving you feeling weighed down and hopelessly gloomy. If you find yourself needing to take regular naps to cope with your days, or down a glass of wine after work to be able to continue to put up with others around you, or instead pop a couple pills just to have the emotional stamina to get by, stop and do yourself a favour. Begin your Life Enema today.  I am not just the spokes person for Life Enema, I am a 100% satisfied user. 

Some quick and easy steps to follow to get you started on the path to freedom:
1- Unlike a regular enema it is not necessary to assume the left side position. In fact, the position you should assume is the one you are clearly most comfortable with, which to date has resulted in you taking it up the ass. The goal in this step is to begin to identify when you are in this position and exactly when and how people and their bullshit are able to be shoved up your ass. 

2- Once you are able to identify when your so called "friends," "family members" or "acquaintances" are about to engage in a behaviour where they benefit and consequently you don't, it's time to begin the process of elimination as I like to call it. This is where things can begin to get a little messy.

3- Eliminating toxins from our lives requires that we recognize them first and flush them next. Stay hydrated or in other words surround yourself with loving and supportive people. Hydration can make or break this process of elimination and so stay focused on this through out. 

4- Once you are feeling "hydrated," discontinue nurturing your toxic parasites. Deprive your users, abusers and losers of the pay offs they desire and have required of you. Stop paying for them, stop tolerating their inappropriate behaviours, stop lowering the bar to meet their substandard treatment of you. You don't owe these people anything. You aren't responsible for their behaviours and quit fooling yourself because you can't change them. The only thing you can change is your reaction to them, which is exactly what a Life Enema is all about. A change for the better. 

5- If deprivation of pay off isn't enough to cause these people to find a new more accommodating host, it is necessary for phase two of the cleanse. Expect that the more you have been taking it up the ass for a person the more they have a vested interest in hanging on for dear life. These people will require a more drastic round of elimination.

6- For those especially committed parasites, it is necessary to establish a firm boundary and NOT reply under any circumstances to their pathetic attempts and pleas to stay implanted inside of you sucking the very life force from your being. 

7- As difficult and messy as a Life Enema may seem, know that it gets worse before it gets better. It is only a matter of time before the cleanse you are embarking on will begin to have profound positive effects on your life. 

8- Know that after each flush of a user, abuser or looser it is perfectly normal to feel a void, nauseous or a serious desire to re-engage and reassume that which you have grown accustomed to and or familiar with. These feelings are temporary and will pass, only to be followed by a true sense of relief and freedom. So remain strong and avoid the temptation to capitulate. 

9- It is important to rest and keep hydrated (surround one self with positive relationships) for as long as possible in order to assure the best results from your Life Enema. 

10- After a successful completion and cleanse with a Life Enema, each one that follows will be much easier. Rest and repeat as often as necessary. Stop use and seek therapeutic help if you begin to dehydrate or crack in the process of a Life Enema. Life Enemas are guaranteed to prolong the length and quality of your life and provide you with that true sense of freedom you deserve. 



Thursday, May 28, 2009

One of many new words to add to your pocket dictionary

This segment is where I define words and expressions that I have coined to better facilitate my ability to express myself which have no real linguistic meaning other than the one I have given to them. 

Word: Bumfest
Synonym: too bad, depressing, very unfortunate, disappointing
Application: When one encounters a situation which merits the expression of total dissatisfaction like when you are driving down the highway and forget to check the gas meter only to discover that your problems with your car are all thanks to an empty gas tank. This would be a definite bumfest

Smartie Pants

The other day I was trying to convince my son to accompany me to the airport to pick up my husband. He seemed to be ignoring my pleas as he attentively watched Dora. Then all of a sudden he turned to me and said "mommy I said no and it's my decision." Well what can you say to that other than checkmate? It's not like I was telling him he had to come, I was asking him and he did say no once already. From his perspective he just wasn't sure what I wasn't clear on the first time. There is nothing like having your children drive home a reality you seem to be denying. 

Memories of Maui

I came across one of my first updates when we relocated to Maui for the year. All I can say is I love Maui and I can't wait to get back there. I have included it in this post for old times sake.

I am writing this at 5am our time because I can't stop obsessing.

We have had some issues with our house since we moved in that we have been trying to address with the owner which has been interesting. The man sells time shares for a living and has the personality of a used cars salesman. Clearly he didn't know what he was getting himself into when he decided to rent to us and is probably hoping right now that we will somehow magically begin to acquiesce to him or move back to Canada.

Anyway, one of the issues we raised was the fact that we were under the impression that we had a small rodent living in our master bathroom. Gordon just pointed this out yesterday in hopes of keeping me from freaking out, good move on his part. There were some weird droppings on the floor near our toilet which was the initial clue. Something else that was weird- at night we would be awakened by a strange and loud sound like the sound you might hear from a wood pecker pecking at wood. We would literally be jolted awake thinking the wood pecker was in our room because the sound was so loud and clear. I being a light sleeper am alert enough in the middle of the night to recognize that this sound is not normal or ok. Gordon on the other hand would have gladly assumed he was sleeping in a forest and continued to happily enjoy the sounds and the sights of his friend Woody the wood pecker if it weren't for my convincing act of hysteria. 

But today after some further investigating, we have discovered who/what has taken up joint residency in our bathroom/bedroom. At this time we believe our fellow room mate to be a gecko. They leave droppings, they eat bugs (hence the dead beetles around the house and not cookarachas as I had been calling them) and they make a weird wood pecker like sounds at night because they are reaching out and communicating to their fellow geckos (ah isn't that cute) . Now some people would feel better, the mystery has been solved and it's not a mouse or a rat but a harmless gecko right? Wrong. I don't want to share my bed/bedroom/bathroom with a lizard. I wouldn't let Molly get a pet lizard that lived in a terrarium let alone set the pet lizard free to live in my personal space. However, at this point unless someone out in cyberspace has any better ideas; I am slowly starting to face the fact that I think this is going to have to be one of those learning opportunities for me. I guess this is the part where I am going to have to accept (like it or not) the fact that I am snuckered and I am therefore going to have to be ONE with nature and nature is going to be my friend.The less popular yet more emotionally appealing option for me would be to fight this and somehow evict this damn gecko but I realize that I would be fighting the forces of nature and I am unlikely to win (unless someone knows something I don't and if so please share!!!). 

Later, 
Aloha from the rock.
Rashell

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Holy Land in all it's glory

What can one say about the holy land that hasn't already been said? A lot actually. If you haven't already been don't bother, if you have I am sorry to hear that and if you have and loved it you must be either Jewish or a bible thumping Christian in which case it all makes sense. The truth of the matter is, I was mislead. My husband is a true blue Jew as I like to call him which means he was raised to believe that Israel is the holy land and in essence his "home away from home". Having been raised to believe this I noticed that the desert seemed to take on a whole new meaning for him, one which I chalk up to the effects of religious brainwashing.  I, having converted and therefore only joined the tribe in my later years thereby successfully avoided all conditioning regarding the holy land in what would have been my formative years. Since I wasn't already sold on Israel being this amazing place it really had to be all that in order to live up the expectations set for it by all my Jewish and bible thumping Christian friends.  

We decided to fly El Al both because they were the cheapest flights and because we figured they would be the safest. Big mistake. An Israeli air line is therefore full of Israelis who happen to have some pretty different ideas on etiquette and social acceptable standards of behaviour. Our flight left Toronto at 8:45 pm and I was looking forward to getting the kids to sleep but turns out that the other kids on the flight who seemingly had no parental units that in anyway were supervising them had plans of their own. Bed time- that's a crazy idea to a bunch of hooligans calling their own shots like out of some scene from Lord of the Flies. I was in shock but more importantly on the verge of committing a crime I truly am against-child abuse. So needless to say my kids didn't sleep particularly well and I had a very long 12 hour flight full of many opportunities to practice patience and restraint. 

Finally after the most painful flight of my life we had arrived. I noticed immediately how few of the people spoke English. Great there is nothing like not being able to effectively communicate when you are in a foreign country. So we got our bags, discovered that our carriage had been busted and made our way out of the airport. Thankfully Gordon's sister met up with us and helped us load onto a mini bus headed for Jerusalem. Oh keep in mind that in Israel they use the Middle Eastern way of negotiating so basically ignore fair game and accept that you are about to be screwed because chances are your experience in this style of negotiating pales in comparison. But hey who cares, just get us to our final destination already. 

So we arrived at the condo we were renting for the month to find out that it was kosher. For all those who don't know what that means-it's a lot of restrictions and  hoop jumping that are completely and utterly a waste of time. Unless of course you actually believe that God really gives a shit as to what exactly we are eating and how we eat it. Like he doesn't have better things to worry about. As a side note-My GOD had better have more important things that he is spending his time worrying about you know like world peace and hunger because if I find he is obsessing over meat and dairy dishes I am SO OUT. At this point I am already functioning on what I like to call a low level of religious faith so this discovery would just be like the straw that breaks the camels back and I will be forced to return to an existence purely based on science and logic, you know like the real opposite of the space you must be in to be following 100 Huntley Street. Consequently I had a grandmother that was a true fan of that show and she exemplified CRAZY.  

Would I liked to have had some sort of spiritual awakening while I was there? SURE. I won't turn down a good time if it arises. Did I have a spiritual awakening? NO, QUITE THE OPPOSITE. Was it a beautiful country? NOT REALLY. PICTURE SOME OLD DILAPIDATED BUILDINGS, WITH DUST EVERYWHERE AND IF YOU AREN'T SOLD YET IT'S A CAT LOVERS HEAVEN AS THEY ARE RUNNING WILD AND LIVING IN THE STREETS. NOTHING DEPICTS CHARMING MORE THAN AN OVERPOPULATION OF STRAY CATS, DUST AND RUBBLE. Did I feel more connected to my tribe? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Was I wishing I could be airvac'ed out of the country? EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I know I have only managed to cover the first 24 hours of my Israeli experience but it was a true plethora of fun times that deserves rightful attention to the many details and as such will require a continuation.

Let the fun begin...

Thrilled am I to have a place to begin to organize and share some of my thoughts and experiences with those actually interested in the crazy happenings and directions of my life, otherwise known as friends and family. My intent is not to offend however I seem to be an inadvertent expert in the area. I therefore would like to caution all those for which this may apply to immediately abort any future desire you may have to continue reading. This blog really won't be any different from speaking with me in person and as such know that at all times what you see is what you are going to be getting not just in the flesh but also out in the world of cyberspace. Likewise I welcome anyone and everyone to share with me in the same open manner.